Post #13: Lol, Thongs.

My God, it has been three weeks since my last post.  How have you survived?  Sorry for the hiatus, the holidays have been keeping me “busy.” Loooootttttsssss of whiskey.  So, this post is both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.

Let’s get down to business, shall we?  My large-assed friend Alex Georghiou yelled at me recently for not having made a post about Aussie fashion already.  Hard to believe I missed that one, there’s a lot to talk about.  First off, fantastically fucked footwear.

Let’s play a little game. What are these?

My American readers are thinking, “Duh, they’re, like, totally  flip flops” while my Aussie readers are saying, “No fuckin’ way, mate, those are bloody thongs.”

The main problem here is that if you go to an Aussie and say “flip flops”, they know what you’re talking about but just look at you a little funny.  If you go to an American and say “thongs,” however, they only THINK they know exactly what you’re talking about.  You can imagine my confusion when I first came to this country and someone said, “You need to buy yourself some thongs.”  I didn’t understand why I needed to, I was under the impression that only girls wear thongs.  Oh well, when in Rome.  Imagine my surprise when I picked up a lacy white pair from Victoria’s Secret and realized that the person I was talking to before meant footwear.  All that genital constriction for nothing.

Let’s play that game again. What are these?

Now, this one is universal.  That is an UGG boot.  Everyone says it the same.  The difference, however, is the fashion involved with it.  In the States, the girls wear these when their feet get cold.  In Australia, both guys AND girls wear them.

That’s right, Australian men wear UGGs.  The boots with the fur, with the fur.

The first time I saw a friend of mine wearing UGG boots, I laughed.  I thought he was just being funny.  “Look, I’m so comfortable in my sexuality that I put on my girlfriend’s boots.”  Nope.  He owns them.  Most guys here do.  It’s not weird to them, it’s how they keep their feet warm, but I’m still not used to seeing guys traipsing along in girls’ boots.

Alright, let’s move off the footwear and on to swimwear.  Most Aussie guys wear “boardies” which we call “swim trunks.”  Girls’ bathing suits look the same as ours for the most part.  Old people and lifeguards, however, have a style all of their own.

How aroused are YOU right now?

That’s right, old men and lifeguards wear speedos.  Edit: Australians call them something a bit more interesting.  They call speedos “dick togs” or “budgee smugglers.” So much more entertaining.  Now, for lifeguards it’s required wear.  They have to, it’s their work uniform.  Old men, however, just love feeling the wind on their thighs and your eyes on their buttocks.  It’s a free lifestyle and they put it all over your retina.  It’s terrible, it’s vomit inducing, and it’ll make you wish you were blind.

Well that’s it for this week.  Blog posts are back to once a week again now that the holidays are over.  Enjoy your week, and help me advertise as always .  Stupid new Facebook layout.  Be safe!

Austin