Post #7: Driving

The time has come for me to stop relying on other people to drive my sorry car-less ass around Toowoomba.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I’m learning how to drive. On Australian streets!

You may remember from one of my previous posts….and if you don’t, I’ll certainly remind you now at no extra cost….

…THEY DRIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD HERE.

Yes, my dear friends, it is every bit as frightening as you would imagine it is.  Nightmarish right hand turns that have to yield to oncoming traffic, horrific parallel parking on the left side of the road, and no awesome “right turn on red” laws that make you feel like you’re a rebel.  There is, however, one thing that makes your blood curdle.

ROUNDABOUTS.

Even the sight of that hellish monstrosity makes me want to run screaming into the nearest darkest closet.  Now, we might have these in the United States, I’m not sure.  But we sure as fuck don’t have them in Virginia and my driver’s license written test didn’t have a section marked “Concrete Whirlpools of Death and Destruction.”  I’m not kidding.  It looks like it from that overhead view, but when you’re in the roundabout it actually FEELS like some kind of pinwheel designed and constructed in the bowels of hell itself.

There are all kinds of different rules involving roundabouts:  “Always yield to the car on your right.” “Put on your blinker when entering the roundabout and put on your other blinker when you’re exiting the roundabout.” “Write out your will before entering the roundabout, so as not to cause confusion when you fail to escape the Windmill of Despair set before you.”

Let me take this moment to set out a nice aside note: my driver’s license is valid in this country.  As an international student from the USA, as long as you remain in the country on a student visa, your driver’s license is 100% legal and grants you permission to drive.  Now, some of you are saying to yourselves, “Oh, that’s convenient! You can start driving right away without having to go through all this paperwork! Nifty.”

NAY.

We drive on the other side of the fucking road! We have different turns, different speed limits in different units of measurement, and 4-way stop signs instead of roundabouts!  What the FUCK makes the Australian nation think we’re ready to get behind the wheel? It’s frightening!

Me: “Hello good sir.”

Official: “G’day.”

Me: “I’d like to inquire about getting a license to drive in this great nation of yours.”

Official: (picking up the accent) “You’re an American exchange student? Do you have a United States license?”

Me: “Certainly am, and I certainly do.”

Official: “You’ll be ‘right.”

Me: “…….oh. Okay.”

Let’s think about this for a second.  If they’re letting ME drive in this country.  Without even so much as testing me, or making me drive with someone else, or giving me certain times of day that I can drive, who the fuck else are they letting on these roads?

I was right to be afraid. First, before I get into that, a little background on the situation.  I was not about to just go out and purchase a car and jump onto the roads, saying “right is now left, which means left is right and right is wrong. Okay, let’s do this.”  Hell no. I have this thing about dying. I don’t want to do it.  But that’s okay, I’ve got help.  Fiona Myatt, a friend of mine here, has graciously decided that life is not worth living anymore and she has been sitting in the car with me while I meander on the concrete path to pain and suffering.  We’re using her car (a daewoo), her directions, my quivering hands, and our collective courage.  Not only do I have to learn how to drive, but I have to learn how to drive on a manual.  Now, that’s not a big deal.  I drive a stick in the States, I’m damn good at it…

(Not Fi’s car)

…with my right hand.  The stick shift stays in the middle, but the steering wheel is on the other side of the car.  This means that now I have to learn how to operate a manual transmission with my left hand, in addition to dodging kangaroos on the freeway.

By the way, her car has purple seat covers.  Oh yeah, I’m a manly man.

Now that we have the situation all nice and set in your mind, let me tell you about Toowoomba drivers.  As we start driving the car, Fiona turns to me and says, “Funny thing, Toowoomba is considered to have the worst drivers in all of Queensland, so you’ll be just fine.”

Oh good. Thanks, Fi.

Not only do I have to worry about not smashing into cars who are following the CORRECT rules of the road, but I have to worry about the worst drivers in the state that AREN’T following the rules of the road.  It turns out, Fiona was completely and totally right.  My God, these drivers are AWFUL.  If I didn’t know any better, I would have to say that they all left their mobile homes that morning with the goal of killing ME PERSONALLY.  As if roundabouts weren’t enough, I’ve got late-breaking blithering bogan bastards at my 6 and 12 o’clocks the whole way to the mall.

All in all, it’s a frightening experience that will make your toenails curl.  At least the pedals are all still in the right order.

Well, that’s it for this week, readers.  Hope you enjoyed it! I’ve decided that I like keeping a blog, I’m going to keep doing it, but now I’m going to be a bit nicer to you guys.  From now on, there will be a new blog post every Wednesday.  That’s right, no longer do you have to stare at your computer screen for weeks on end with bated breath, wondering when I’m going to post a link up on facebook.  Every Wednesday, around 11:00 AM to 12:00 PM Australian time, which is 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM  on Tuesday Night, Eastern Standard Time.

As always, leave feedback, and please feel free to tell your friends.  I’ve decided that I want to write for a living, so let’s hurry up and get me famous   Be safe!

Austin