Post #6: Bogans

Good morning, everyone! I hope you got your sleep, because this post will spawn nightmares of such utter horror that you won’t be able to sleep at night.  Close your eyelids while you can, you won’t be seeing them any time soon.  Even after you finally can sleep, you’ll wake up in a puddle of your own sweat, clutching your pillow like it’s the last hope of keeping your own sanity.

Now that I’ve warned you successfully, I imagine that 75% of my readers have knowingly turned off their computers and gone to read a book or something.  The other quarter of you are either brave or idiots.  So let’s press on, my ignorant knights of gallantry, into the world of the Bogan.

My Australian readers already know, but my American ones are all wondering what a “Bogan” is.  Bogans, my dear friends, are like our white trash.  That is to say, Bogans are our white trash if they did more crack, had a worse accent, cursed more, had fewer teeth, and showered less.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse in the rural sections of America, some random pierced kid on the internet comes to tell you that a country on the other side of the world is harboring and cultivating a species that will turn your soul to muesli? (Lol, muesli.)  That’s right. Now, down to the specifics.

Bogans typically look something like this:

What a sexy piece of man-meat that is.  Ladies, keep your panties on, there’s more to come and you really need to pace yourself.  Here’s another fine specimen of boganness.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm tasty.  I’m not quite rigid enough so we’ll go for one more:

Ohhhhhhhh yeah.  That’ll do it.

So the looks aren’t that great.  What REALLY makes them terrible is their accent and manner of speech.  I thought I cursed heavily, especially when writing.  Fuck no.  These people curse as if they’re actually trying to make your toenails curl.  You could ask them what their dog’s name is and they would have used the words “fuck,” “cunt,” and “wog” 40 times each before they actually got around to saying “Rex.”

I work at at Next Byte, an Apple Retailer (as in Mac computers, not the fruit) in Toowoomba. (It’s near The Coffee Club, come visit me) The other day, I actually had a bogan customer.  It’s the only one I’ve ever had, and I was so frightened I was TREMBLING.  I thought that one crooked tooth he had was going to stab me in the eye.

Me: “Good afternoon, sir, how may I help you?”

Bogan: “Oi, yeah, fuckin iPod’s broke, mate.”

Me: “Oh? Let me have a look at it.”

(Bogan hands over the sticky fucking iPod Classic)

Me: “……so what’s wrong with it?”

Bogan: “Cunt won’t work.”

Me: “Oh. have you tried restoring factory settings?”

(Bogan looks confused)

Me: “….nevermind, I’ll be right back.”

Fixed his iPod and sent him on his way, had to get him out of the store before he lost any teeth on the floor for me to pick up.  I can’t be responsible for the entire store needing to be quarantined and put back on Hooked On Phonics.  I think that flannel shirt wearing bastard  just being in my store made the processors slower.

Here’s just a taste of what bogans actually sound like.  Be careful, involves ludicrous amounts of cursing.

Special thanks to Jason Myatt for the voiceover work.  You’re the man. http://jmvox.com/

In conclusion, dear friends, you need to stay as far away from bogans as you can.  They want to come to your house and sit on your front porch until the Centrelink (it’s like our Welfare) check comes in.  You’ll never see your rocking chair or your toothpaste again.

And finally, I leave you with my favorite bogan youtube video.  Warning: lots of cursing, lots of bogan.  Thanks for your support, and as always, leave feedback! Be safe!

Austin